I ran promising “Starting on day one, we will end inflation!”
Make America Affordable again.
Bring down the prices of all goods.
“Get down energy prices by 50%!”
“Gas below $2 a gallon.”
“Electricity rates, cut in half.”
“Cap credit card interest at 10%.”
“You’re going to see some pretty drastic price reductions.”
But those reductions became —escalations.
Foreign countries ducked the costs and we—the consumers —
absorbed the burden.
We’re paying more for the very Cheerios, Oreos,
cans of Chicken Noodle Soup
displayed on the Bedminster press tables
and campaign stages.
But when all promises congealed —
Became too messy —
I found something easier to do…
I started a war.
Operation Epic Fury.
Operation Roaring Lion.
Great names for a military escalation.
No longer a fifty-year shadow war.
We put down our masks and sent our pilots in.
We choked off their military, leadership, infrastructure —
bridges, food silos, water desalination plants.
Squeezing the economy, forcing them back to the table,
Seizing the Strait of Hormuz.
But, funny thing…
the economy that sputtered was ours.
Now what?
What about America First?
What about “No New Wars”?
Oh, “I ran…and won…”
And now?
Like I tell the press, “I run the country and the world.
Nobody knew being in charge could be so complicated.
Be cool…nothing will ever be perfect.”
But, what about Americans
who can’t buy those Cheerios and that milk?
I look them in the eye and say,
“I don’t think about Americans’ financial situation.
I don’t think about anybody.
I think about one thing.
We cannot let Iran have a nuclear weapon, that’s all.
That’s the only thing that motivates me.”
So here we are.
Promises? Abandoned.
Americans paying the price.
But I keep running this war,
Running from my promises,
Running my mouth.
If I keep talking, no one notices —
The body count,
Surging oil prices,
Eight-dollar raspberries,
The aborted ceasefires.
Thirteen thousand targeted hits later, and Iran?
Still standing.
I ran to make America Great Again.
But in reality?
I ran…right into Iran.